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Tuesday, 03 April 2012
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I Fall For You
One more step.. One more touch.. One more smile.. Then it will only take 5 seconds for me to fall..
..1
..2
..3
..4
..5.. for you.
In an instant, I found love. In the most unexpected place and time, it has hunted me. And now that I've been buried deep in that certain kind of human emotion, I can't think I can still be able to get up. It feels like if I am about to take aback from everything that I'm currently feeling for you, my heart will just easily shattered into tiniest pieces that nothing in this world can ever make it whole again. Your Highness, you've already made me fall..and crazy.
I was living a simple life before - school, house, friends, some crushes - just like a simple single girl that's existing in this world, nothing out of ordinary, a little bit naive. Then in just one random circumstance, I've met you. You made me step out of my comfort zone and made me realize that you can make me fall. I admit it, everything was a trial - I was just trying to see how does it feel to be with someone, or in simpler sense, how does it feel to be a girlfriend - like a child trying to see what will happen to me if I stand at the very edge of the cliff and act as if I'm gonna fall. The only difference is that I know that somehow, you're my Superman.. you'll save me.
We've been too happy. I can smile every second just thinking about you. Having someone like you in my life makes me imagine how life could be so meaningful with just love alone - with just having you beside me, just you and me. Then before I knew it, I've been loving you so much already that thinking about you not holding my hands anymore would make me so down and weary.
But I'm sorry. For some reasons, I have to end everything up between us, technically.
You, not being my boyfriend and I, not being your girlfriend anymore but still having a mutual understanding between us two, are the things that I thought will not be so difficult. I was like, you still love me, I still love you, so what's the point of worrying? But hey, I'm a girl. Though I've tried my hardest to fight the uneasiness that I feel from my heart, I can still feel the pain when other girls are also taking care for you other than me. I love you, so being jealous will be the most natural thing that I could ever feel. I hope you understand.
On top of that, I believe you love me too. I'm just not sure if you also love me to the same extent of my love for you, but I believe you do. I love you, that's why I trust you. If one day, there would be a thousand of reasons that life would make me believe that you're not worthy of it all, I will always be here loving you with all the ways that I know. I love you, that's why I'm holding on to you. I love you, that's why I never left even if I appear disobedient to my parents sometimes. If you'll just promise me you'll always be there to catch me, then I'll never be tired and afraid of falling all over again.
But Baby, I'm actually scared right now. What if things are going to end between us? I can suddenly feel a pinched in my heart just by simply thinking about it. I've already fallen for you so deeply that I don't know if I will ever find the strength to let go of your hand if the time would dictate me to. Right now I feel like we are both holding a rope on both ends, that if one let go on the other side, the other one will just fall so hard. Please, don't get tired of loving me. Please don't get tired of holding on at the other end, I promise I won't be tired. Please just let the two of us be like this, and if the time comes that both of us will be free to decide for our own selves, I hope you will still choose to stay with me because Baby, like what I've said, I've already fallen so hard to the idea of you. I fall for you. I love you.
And lastly, for all the love that you've injected into my veins, I'm currently overdosed. I thank you for that.
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Photo Credits: www.fodgeeboi.com
Monday, 19 March 2012
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My Seven Year-Old Love Story
And yeah, this is how I plan to officially end everything.
Almost all of my friends know it - I reached this age without ever having a boyfriend. I don't remember someone who has courted me. Maybe because all the men in the world were all busy looking for girls that fit their own standards..their ideal girl as they call it. But those who are closest to me know this one thing - I loved someone..and that love lasted, for seven years.
He was just an ordinary guy I met in my sophomore year in High School. Then days after days I got to know him more and I ended up seeing him as the nicest man that I know in my life next to my Dad. It was seven years ago, he already changed from the nicest guy to the coldest but life once seemed to be so unfair, my love stayed. Even if it almost has no reason to, it still did.
From the day that my heart decided to love that person, which was seven years ago, there was never a day in my life that I have never thought of him. Though it sucks to face the truth that there has never been a day in his life that he let me crossed his mind, I never stopped thinking about him. It seemed like in everything I do, there's him. It's crazy. And I didn't stop.
I can't ever forget the day he asked me to dance in our JS Prom. I did my best to be beautiful (but I didn't know if I succeed..lol). The background music were "Dreaming of You"..and because that night was too noisy I was sure he didn't hear me when I whispered "'Cause I'm dreamin of you tonight..". We danced with his hands on my waist and mine on his shoulders, though he was laughing at me 'cause he can feel my "baby-fats" (lol), it didn't stop me from thinking how perfect he was that night. I originally wanted to tell him he's the most handsome for me, but I ended up saying nothing. If playing that song will make me stay in his arms, I would listen to that song forever and dance with him like this. But that song soon stopped. I had to let go of him.
Then we graduated. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn't even had the strength to look at him, because if I did, I feel that my tears will show at any moment. I didn't cry until the ceremony ended. But I couldn't just stay there and watch him go without saying my last words. So I gathered all the strength that I have in me and for the first and last time, I hugged him.
I thought when we reach college, step by step, this one-sided love of mine will soon fade away, but I guess this destiny was trying to fool me. We went on the same school, and became the closest of friends though our colleges were different. I didn't even know how those things happened, but they just did. We constantly text each other and he even once told me, "Among all the girls I've known, you're the one that's closest to me, so maybe I like you." I told you, he was cold towards me, so hearing those words made me want to go crazy! (lol). But also when I heard those words coming from him, I got scared...scared if I will ever have the guts to let go of him - when he wasn't even mine.
He knew it. He knew I love him. I told him that. But knowing my secret never let him to stay away from me. We stayed close to each other, though he's cold, I can feel that he can show his true self when he's with me. He can talk for hours without stopping, which he don't usually do. He can tell me things I know, he can't tell to others - even to those people whom he considered his "best friends." When he tell me stories, I feel contented and happy because somehow, he let me feel that he trusts me.
Then my mother died. I remember how I let myself cry in his shoulders. In that saddest moment of my life, I always thought that just letting me see him will make me somehow feel alright. He never told me he'll always be there, but he can just let me feel that way when he gave me his jacket when I was about to cry. I can't just forget.
Months after that, my family's most awaited thing happened - we were finally going to Canada for good. It was really a good thing for us though, but when I see him, I kept feeling the opposite. I never even let him know about that thing 'cause I was so afraid back then that he'll just show me he'll never feel anything even if I leave. But then, of course, he found out about it and as expected, he didn't do or say anything - as if it wasn't a big deal at all.
The day before I left the Philippines, I just feel so excited..and empty. I knew that day when tomorrow comes, I won't ever be able to see him again, and if I someday will, he'll probably be married by then. Then I received a text from him saying he would, for the last time, come in to my house and give something to me. I originally didn't want to see him for the last time 'cause I didn't think I can carry the pain of missing him so much.
Then he came. He gave me a "booklet of letter", I called it that way 'cause it was a booklet where he wrote many things which I never thought he would say..or even think about, and as well as his jacket on which he let me cry. For the first and last time, he tried to open his arms to hug me, but I refused...I just can't give him a farewell hug, it hurts like hell. Then he left..I just watched him as he walked farther and farther away from me..without even looking back.
Almost all of my friends gave me their "remembrance gifts", and I accepted them and I didn't cry. But his letter, which was I once thought the only priceless thing in this world that I wish to receive, made me cried hard and I myself even couldn't think of any reason to stop my tears from falling. And that very moment, I just proved to myself, I love him so much..and I don't think I would ever love someone as much as I have loved him.
After that, I cut any type of communication with him in my first 5 months but I missed him so bad that let me finally decided to bring him back to my life. I texted him, and added him back as a friend here in Facebook. To the very last time, I held on to that hope that maybe, between the times when we were apart, he often think of me as well. I didn't have the right to do it, but I gave him a chance - a chance to bring back the friendship we had after the 5 months of silence. But it didn't happen. I felt as if he never felt I was gone. But of course, I can't blame him. You can't ever blame a heart that has never felt something special for you.
I didn't know how my feelings for him lasted for seven years though his heart has been too blind for me. I even thought that maybe, destiny didn't want me to stop 'cause it wanted me to wait for the time when he will finally feel something special towards me. But up to the very end, up to the very last remaining amount of love I used in waiting for him, his love never came, until..I unknowingly gave up.
It's just so sad that things never worked out for us after all these years. I even have a diary where I wrote everything that had happened between us, I started it years ago and I now decided to throw it away. I finally decided not to be tortured by our memories together. I had to move on...to the simplest up to the most complicated way, I have to.
I don't think that I will ever love someone as much as I loved him.
With my deepest sincerity, I thank you for all the times you had spent with me. You might not realize how much I treasure those times, but I still wanna thank you. And I'm sorry because I can't be the girl that you would want to spent your life with, or should I say, I'm sorry for being not beautiful enough to have the chance to fit in your standards. I'm sorry. I wish someone out there will love you as much as I do and will give you no pain, though I feel like as if I'll be the only one that could ever love you as much as I do. But if ever the time comes that you'll be finally destined to love me, I wish, it won't be too late.
Goodbye, my ever loved Engineer J. :)
Saturday, 04 February 2012
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I Want to be.. Overloved
“When two people mutually like each other, it’s almost a miracle. Do you think that miracle would ever happen to me too?” – Oh Ha Ni, Playful Kiss
I’ve been in this world for 27 years, 27 years 4 months and 8 days to be exact. I feel too old yet I think too childishly. A girl – no, let me rephrase that – a woman at my age could somehow be already married, have her own family, or even have just a steady relationship partner. But me, I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I can say that my life is a kind of “no boyfriend since birth” thingy.
When I was 23, I attended my best friend’s wedding and I was thinking back then how young was it for her to be married on such an age. On my 25th birthday, she gave birth to her first daughter, so yeah, I was one of the grandmothers. Our middle school and college friends were there, and it was almost midnight of that day when I realized I was the only one going home alone – all of them are with their partners or their family.
And now I’m 27, I’m starting to think, what’s wrong with me? But wait, I never had a love life but that doesn’t mean I never loved someone else. I know I did love some people so deeply – at the very least, I know I did. But all of them never feel romantic towards me. You know, the pathetic “just friends” drama.
Now I envy those people who have partners in life. I envy those girls who receive an “I love you” phrase every now and then from their guys. I envy even those who just got their heart badly broken from a just ended relationship, ‘cause at the very least, they experienced a life being with someone else’s arms. I even want to understand how life be so magical with just love alone, without anything else but love. I also want to understand the feeling of being taken care of by someone who loves you so deeply. Look, I didn’t even think that I can write this kind of thing. It will make me look like a pathetic single but I don’t care, I don’t even know why I don’t.
I’m getting older. I can’t even accept that fact but I really am.
To tell you honestly, I don’t wanna live alone. I think I also want to be someone’s girlfriend, someone’s world, and someone’s everything. I want a life that is worth living with someone who loves me so deeply. I don’t want a one sided love anymore. I ‘m tired of it. I don’t want to be someone who wants to give everything just for someone that I really love, this time, I want someone who would do the same for me. I want a “holding-hands-everywhere-scene”, I even maintained my hands soft enough for my future partner to let go of it, sounds funny but its damn true. LOL. I want to open my eyes in the morning with the thought of seeing my love in a few hours so I have to be pretty. I want to have our picture to be my cellphone and laptop’s wallpaper, and I wouldn’t be able to somehow concentrate on my work because I keep on looking on my computer’s wallpaper and smile every minute. I want someone to kiss me on my forehead after a long day and it will refresh me right away. I want someone who would post on my Facebook’s wall how he loves me so much. I want someone who can refuse his friends’ invitation to a drinking session ‘cause he promised to have dinner with me. I want him to look me in the eyes and say “I love you” when I’m in a very depressing situation. I want someone who would always be there for me, though I don’t demand for things as such, but he will just be – just because he loves me too much.
Having that “someone” in someone’s life is already a miracle. Men are never perfect, some are insincere but I believe they love truly, in their own special way.
At this age, believe me, I’m not actually in a hurry to have a boyfriend. Actually I don’t even imagine myself being a “girlfriend”. I know if it’s destined for me to have someone to share the rest of my lifetime, that someone will be there no matter what, no matter where, and no matter how old will I be.
“Do you think, that miracle would ever happen to me too?”
“I need to find somebody who can't sleep at night
Without holding me, without holding me tight
I want someone who sees me all the time in their dreams
And then wakes up thinking just of me
Spent time on my own
Spent time being free
Now I just wanna be.. Overloved.”-Overloved, Paul DeAnda
Friday, 13 November 2009
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There are Times When All I Really Want Is...
There are times when all I really want is to stare at your face from the moment the sun rises 'till the stars start to fade away from the sky.
There are times when all I really want is to hold your hand while watching the sun saying goodbye.
There are times when all I really want is to sing may favorite song with you.
There are times when all I really want is to lie down on a green grass field with you while watching the falling stars and make a wish upon them that we will be together forever.
There are times when all I really want is to tell you I'm missing you though you're looking straight to my eyes.
There are times when all I really want is to hug you tight and tell you how much I love you.
There are times when all I really want is to give my heart to you and have your acceptance.
If you could only know what my heart's saying then it will tell you that all I really want is to have my dreams come true and share my lifetime happiness with you. :)
Friday, 18 September 2009
aveleira0730
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- Name: hazel
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 12/19/2008
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I'm a friendly person and I really want to have many friends around the world! Haha! Writing is my world, but it doesn't mean that writing is my expertise, I just want to express my feelings through it. I'm a Twilight fan, I love to read books and watch movies. I love my family very much, I miss my Dad who's in Canada right now. I'm a first year college student, taking up Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. I'm not religious, but a spiritual person. Can we be friends? =)
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calm down. worry less. frustrate no more.
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he was drunk. wasn't he?
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addicted to spring waltz again. hay.. :)
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